Healing for me starts with being still, comfortable, or safe in my own skin. Considering that writing these thoughts or feelings while I have them is in itself a breakthrough. The assignment has been ringing in my ears to the point of seconded guessing not only if I heard it correctly but if I in fact comprehend it and will execute it properly.
What does it look like on the other side of the Armor?
Once the work is in place and you are a functioning emotional being what does it look like:
To truly answer this, I have to go back to the beginning. When I started this work of uncovering years of pain, emotion, memories, and experience’s; first what I had to do was not only learn what emotions where but learn the names for them not just as the distress call from my body. I had to sit and think what does that pit in my stomach signify and what is the word to describe its feeling. I truly believed that pain was an emotion, now I see pain was simply a symptom of my not accepting the emotion.
In an effort to not be vulnerable not only to others but even with myself I would wear a suit of armor allowing no one in to see what frail sad little girl lie beneath it all.
One of my earliest sessions my therapist asked why I couldn’t describe to her in words what I was feeling; from the most honest and broken dark part of myself I explained to her my love for words and language. Then she asked with even more intrigue
“Then Why can’t you tell me in words?”
“Because my insides aren’t as beautiful as the words” I sobbed
That was the moment when I realized I had no value for my own life. The reason I was in this office was because I felt weak and hopeless, in the darkest pit of despair my life felt as though it wasn’t worth the Words I would use to describe it.
That bring me to my answer; what do my insides look like now.
They look like words.
I’ve comprised a list of not only words but the words with the definitions and what they mean to me. Some are changes I’m slowly accepting some are changes that have already happened. In the seasons of life, I realize I may not always feel these things or this strength; but this will be some thing for me to use as tool in my effort to grow and teach myself and my child how to exercise emotional health.
Gate: Noun a hinged barrier used to close an opening
I will replace my armor with a gate, what I like the most about this concept is the hinge it has to the ability to open and close, there will be times when I will need to keep people, things, criticisms out. A gate will allow me to do this when its necessary while still having the ability to open it up and let the good, healthy things in.
Respite: Noun a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.
This is possibly my favorite word in the English language I would imagine this is how Hemingway might feel in my arms on a sweaty night in Paris booze soaked and dripping from bar fights. Id offer him a soft place to land and feel vunerable. This word is now for me and it’s as simple as a breathe. I will allow myself to heal myself and focus on me the way I would focus on other people. I will be my own rest when I need it I will do my best to listen to me.
Honor: Verb Regard with great respect, to fulfill an obligation or to keep an agreement.
This word has multiple definitions I really like the verb definition the most. I’ve made some hasty decisions and some destructive decisions, as of late I have chosen to honor the commitment to me and my emotional health as opposed to feeling obligated to others, I will keep the agreement with myself and honor my healing and growing.
Space: Noun a continuous area or expanse which is free, available, and unoccupied.
This definition is for my relationships, a thing I always craved, and thought was unattainable until this year. One of the greatest parts of my relationship with Fritz has been the space I have been allowed. To foster my own life as well as other relationships. I am hopeful for healthy relationships that allow space and silence to exist in them. A level of comfort that grows and allows silence and the space.
Control: Verb (Statistics) take into account and extraneous factor that might affect results
When I first thought if this word I thought long and hard on it and knew the word meant more to me than just manipulating or owning a situation… in and experiment there is always a control. The thing that doesn’t change. This is my grace. Knowing very well all of this work doesn’t take away any value from the things I’ve done in past. The point is not to discredit my former self the point is to know that what we tried wasn’t working and now we are going to try it another way. I’m allowing myself some grace
Shine: Noun a quality of brightness, especially from a reflected light.
For me, my child and anyone whom my life my touch. Slowly I will grow to reflect the light and energy I have put into everyone else for so long. I will learn to shine from within from a well that is full and has the ability to refill when it is necessary. I will Shine and when I can’t I will honor the respite inside of me and take the space that I need.