9 Months of Black a True Story 

The prompt on WordPress says 

Share your story here…

That’s exactly what I’m doing. Someone asked me today what my goal was with the blog; originally it started as a fashion blog because who doesn’t want to have a reason for all those selfies.    

 Once I found out I was pregnant I was terrified of what it was going to do to my body. I had worked so hard to be in great shape to feel good in my clothes, so good infact I was shareing pictures of myself with millions of strangers. 

 The first time my husband and I tried to conceive I couldn’t do it, I was in tears. I didn’t want to get fat.  

You’re not fat, you’re pregnant 

  I failed to see the difference honestly, and what is maternity fashion anyway. I spent my entire life trying to conseal my not so flat stomache, or my wide hips. All of a sudden it was acceptable to be round.  

 In the early months of my pregnancy I counted my calories to make sure my child was nourished and I wasn’t going to gain more than the 25-30 pounds at the doctors request .I gained 25lbs in three months eating 2000-1500 calories a day, and continuing my regular workouts.  

 I felt helpless, by my second trimester I couldn’t do Pilaties or Barre all I could do was walk on the elliptical.. Well that just plain sucks.  

 I wore leggings and black tops, mostly target and H&M that was an easy staple before pregnancy now it was a prison. I was stuck in my own body and forced to act as though it was the greatest time of my life because it was way more difficult to tell people I was miserable. 

 Where is the silver lining in all of this Fashion misery…. Those things you hear about the weight coming off fast. Actually true; I was 20lbs down the first week after my son was born. I was so excited to be able to bend over once I was clear to excersise again it was the greatest feeling of my life. 

 I have this amazing little ball of joy that loves long walks and giggles when I jump rope, my entire pregnancy I failed to realize it was infact temporary . Like so many hard ships in your life… This too shall pass, and it did.  

 The prize at the end was well worth it and the human body is an amazing thing.  

 

Your body will never be the same after you have a baby

Your right it’s not, it’s better than ever and how I view myself now is diffrent, there is a difference between pregnant and fat; fat doesn’t give you a baby it just gives you diabetes.   

 Love yourself today, it’s the only one you get. 

The Dark side of the Bump

According to The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists ( ACOG), between 14-23% of womenwill struggle with some symptoms of depression in pregnancy.

 This was a Stat I remember sitting in bed reading through my tears.  I had just gotten into another fight with my husband, We had been married about six months . No stranger to a passionate argument, this one felt diffrent.    

The only reason I won’t hurt myself is because I might be pregnant.

Who says that? Who feels that? What was I thinking… Had I lost my mind.

It was months before I started researching Depression During Pregnancy as I sat alone in our bedroom quietly sobbing to myself I realized I wasn’t alone. Not only had other women experinced what I was going through, but It was infact a new theroy . There was a time when doctors belived it was impossible to be anything but happy while you were pregnant.  

  He is going to be so happy because I am so sad.

I would sit on the floor sobbing and my husband feeling so helpless would hold me and say… Poo 😦 ( our term of endearment )  I had convinced myself the child inside of me was taking all of my happiness and it was okay I felt this way because he was going to be so happy!

  He turned out to be amazingly happy, and he makes me amazingly happy!!!

The idea that I was overwhelmed with sadness during what some women refer to as the best time of there life was more pressure than I could handle.  

 There are lots of hormonal ups and downs during pregnancy, but depression and anxiety are all consuming and take over. Those voices speak louder than any other. Even the statistics make you feel tiny…you are less than a Quater so you must be broken. 

  No I believe I am a small percentage that is willing to stand up and say 

I was sad during my pregnancy and I am a happy well adjusted and gracious mother, my mental health does not change how much I love my child.

 My willingness to accept help allows me to further care for myself my family and my child.  

Depression during and after pregnancy: A resource for women, their families and friends from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Health Resources and Services Administration, Office of Maternal and Child Health

Mental Health America, nmha.org or 800-273-TALK (8255)

mothertobaby.org,  Medications and more during pregnancy and breastfeeding from the Organization of Teratology Information Specialists (OTIS)

National Alliance on Mental Illness, nami.org or 800-950-NAMI (6264)

National Institute of Mental Health 

Substance and Mental Health Services Administration 

Source March of Dimes

Pause 

I’ve taken a short pause from blogging for so many reasons. I’d love to say it was because I was pregnant and exhausted or because I’m a new mom.   

   

The honest truth is ;when I started this blog I promised myself if I didn’t have anything nice to say than I wasn’t going to say anything… 

 Hence my scilence. Pregnancy was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. 

 Then after that I had to explain to my mother, my father and a handful of strangers why my child wasn’t Breast fed. 

  In a series of blogs over the next month you will experince my honesty, heartbreak , and sadness. Most of all I hope my Story will help you on your journey. In the end this is a fairytale, it’s just the missing pages filled in.